The Baptist Identity

Tomorrow I leave with Joe Thorn for the Baptist Identity Conference at Union University in Jackson, TN.  I have just come out of a deep trance and learned what will happen over the next few days of my life.  Many of the things I learned are understandable only to SBC'rs, and I apologize for that.  Here are the top 10 most noteworthy things I learned during my trance (or at least the top 10 that I am willing to talk about publicly).

10. While dining with Tim Ellsworth this week (a rabid St. Louis Cardinals' fan) I will reveal to Tim that Albert Pujols will be banned from baseball for gambling and never make it into the Hall of Fame.

9. Paige Patterson will finally clear his throat and we will learn he sounds like Pavarotti.  Or is it Barry Gibb?

8. On Friday I will develop a mean case of the runs which will lead to no less than 12 bathroom trips.  I will develop this problem at 10:27am precisely. 

7. I will get to see Joe Thorn change into and out of his thong...again...and repeatedly.  Trust me, this is not good news.

6. George Bush will deliver a videotaped address to the conference, to everyone's surprise but me and my readers.  His topic?  "Barak Obama, the Antichrist."

5. Ed Stetzer will reveal that Joe Thorn is the greatest blogger since Al Gore invented the Internet.

4. My kids will obey my wife.

3. I will finally allow Joe Thorn to see me in my thong.  This will draw us even closer as friends, so close that for the rest of our lives we will always be mistaken for each other despite the fact that he looks like Sloth on The Goonies.

2. Tom Ascol will reveal, in private conversations only, that he never has been a Calvinist.  He only said so because he thought that meant someone who loved Calvin & Hobbes.

1. As is already revealed, my friend Greg Thornbury will speak on "The 'Angry Young Men' of the SBC."  But instead of pointing out angry bloggers and young pastors as everyone expects, he will point the finger directly at himself and reveal that he has been secretly angry for years at the SBC and is leaving the ministry to spend more time with his family.  Soon after resigning from Union University he will become an Associate Pastor of Brian McLaren's church and finally publish his life's work, "One More Word Following the Word That Was Last Written and/or Spoken Previously."