10 Reasons To Get Married & Have Kids Young
My list would look a little different than this, but Molly and I got married young, had kids young, and we love to encourage others to do the same.
Tim Keller On How To Get Into Gospel Conversations
A video, but more importantly a nice outline of what Keller says.
Justin Taylor - On Writing Well
Go read more on Justin's four points:
- Read Slowly
- Read a lot
- Write to think
- Write and rewrite
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I'm listening to Daniel Renstrom's new album, Jesus Wants My Heart. It's a family worship album of songs that kids and parents will both enjoy. enjoy singing together. I can tell you that right off the bat I was singing along. A wonderful balance of Gospel and theology in song.
Here are five things Daniel hopes this album will do. Go Read more at Daniel's blog.
There are songs Renstrom wrote and some hymns. I think you will love it.
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A few weeks ago I emphasized to one son that it would be good to takes notes during my sermons. Now it seems to be viral. Here's a sample from my two other sons from Sunday. The backs are both covered with notes too. My 12 yr old said how much easier it is to remember what I'm saying and not have his mind wander when he takes notes. They really love letting me see what they wrote. It's a pretty cool thing. Jack (14) now is keeping a notebook of sermon notes. What do your kids do during sermons? Would love to see if any do something like this. (Click the pic to see it bigger & in more detail.)
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There's a lot of parenting advice out there. Some is great. Much of it is lacking. Some is downright harmful. With a 16 girl driving around, two middle school boys (14 & 12 yrs old) and our youngest son in 4th grade (nearly 10 yrs old), we've experienced a lot of success & struggle in our parenting. We've gotten advice from books, other parents, pastors, and our own parents. We've taken courses on parenting and had one pastor/wife and family that we learned much from and watched closely as they did so much right (radically different than most parents we'd ever seen). I wanted to share some advice for things I feel we have learned and that not enough folks are talking about. At its core, this list is a quick mind-dump of the practical advice I want to give parents with young kids after years of doing it. By no means do we do all of this perfectly. I assume you know that already.
This is probably most ideal for parents-to-be, new parents, and parents with kids under 10 years old. This isn't exhaustive, ordered, etc. It's not my top 10. There are some crucial ones that most who read this already believe and do to some extent, so I'll assume them (read Bible, pray, etc). What I will do is give one angle on each of those rather than convince you to do it in general. And while many tips are built on biblical ideas, I'm going to talk very practically and simply and not make this merely a "from-the-Bible" list. Also, I'm not dealing much with rules vs grace, an important topic. There are many things that could be added to this list, including things I failed remember. So your comments are welcome if you'd like to share your advice.
The first handful need some extra explanation so they are understood. The rest need little explanation, but I wanted to at least mention them.
Believe Kids Are A Blessing | Our world sees kids as a burden. The Scriptures tell us they are a blessing from the Lord. In your thinking about your children, in all you do as a parent, remember & trust that God has given them to you as a blessing. It will change how you see them and how you parent them. It hopefully will even change how many of them you have. Who wouldn't want MORE blessing?
Read The Jesus Storybook Bible To Them | A tool we didn't have while the kids were really young, it would have been a staple of their Bible story diet. Honestly, it still was.
Pray With Your Kids Concerning Taking Risks | Yes, pray for needs and give them models of prayer, etc. But pray aloud with them about the kinds of risks God wants them to take. "God if my boys sees someone being bullied at school, give them strength to stop it even if it means they get hurt." Something like that. We also regularly pray that God would use them mightily, even if that means persecution, going far away as a missionary, etc.
Teach *First Time Obedience* | When Dad or Mom says do it, they do it. We are the parents. They are kids. Why is this important? Do you want them to obey God the first time, or to put it off? Also, if they don't obey us there are often major consequences in the future. Sometimes if they don't obey there are major consequences in the very near future. Example: We taught our children to *stop* when we say stop. We didn't chase them around at parties or baseball games or at the park. We say stop, they were taught to stop or face discipline. One of our kids was bad about running through parking lots on the way in to a store. Our *first time obedience* teaching probably saved his life or at least bodily harm more than once. But the everyday, simple things will create disciplined & respectful kids. It will also shock people around you and create opportunities to talk about why your parenting "works."
My pastor once had one child ask for a chip (adults were eating chips) and he said "Ok." Another of his children overheard and came over and asked for a chip. He said "No." The child, without hesitation, said "ok" and walked away. My pastor then told him to return and explained how happy he was that he was willing to trust him and obey even when it seemed unfair, and then gave him a chip. That's the power of this one rule when taught consistently.
ALSO, don't use the counting rule. When you count you are telling your kids they can delay obedience. "Johnny, get your coat on. Johnny! One...twooooo..." Not obeying now is disobedience. Period. Well, almost period...
Give Rules For Respectful Disagreement | Some call this an "appeal." Sometimes the demand of *first time obedience* lacks information that might change our parenting. Example. Me: "Kids, close your books. It's time for bed. Lights out." Daughter: "Dad, can I appeal?" or more simply, "Dad, can I finish this chapter. It's only one more page." Me, to all, "Yes. When Sarah's done, it's time for bed." I'm Dad and what I say goes, but I also realize my call to obedience can be adjusted.
Give Rules For Respectful Interruption | You are at a party or with your small group and kids are constantly saying "Dad! Dad! Dad!" You are teaching them to be the center of the universe. We tell our kids that when we are in a conversation with someone, they aren't allowed to interrupt rudely. The rule is, put your hand on my arm and I'll tell you when it's ok to interrupt. Sometimes I keep talking with someone for 45-60 seconds before I say to my son, "What do you need, buddy?" Don't let your kids interrupt rudely. You are the parent. Teach your kids to respect your conversation and the conversation of others. This will shock people too.
ALSO, when on the phone DO NOT allow your kids to interrupt you. It's very disrespectful when on the phone with someone talking about something important (or not) and their kids have no category that Mom or Dad is doing something important that shouldn't be interrupted.
Give Rules For Being Respectful in Public | My kids were not allowed to be loud or run around restaurants while people are eating. It's disrespectful. Climbing on the booth next to me and annoying those around me while I tune them out is not ok. If my kid disobeys in public, I don't discipline in public. I take them to the car and when we get back inside the restaurant (or wherever) they have changed their tune. We have had humbling and amazing comments about our parenting in restaurants. Especially older adults, grandparents, can't believe how well behaved our kids were, sitting, eating, talking in acceptable levels of loudness, not being a spectacle. The spectacle was how respectful they were to others.
The Five Minute Rule (Warning) | One of the GREAT pieces of advice was using a 5 minute rule for preparing your kids to transition. Example: Kids are playing at McDonald's Playland. We don't just say "Let's go." We give them a 5 minute warning. This, to them, is permission to play longer as well as preparation that the end is near. That way when expecting *first time obedience* we aren't creating frustrated kids who were having a blast and then had parents drop the bomb on fun time. We almost never had an issue leaving something fun while other parents struggled and yelled. Such a helpful rule. This rule also works for bedtime, before leaving for something, etc.
ALSO, after doing this for a bit all I would have to do when one of the kids would look at me from the playground is hold up my hand with 5 fingers and they would call out to each other "FIVE MINUTES!" So, so helpful.
Pre-Event Preparation/Conversation | When going to meet with other people, go to a party with other families, go to a movie, whatever, we would have a short talk in the car. It was our way of preparing the kids for what was coming as well as setting our expectations for how they would act when they arrived. Example: Heading to a small group Bible study. We'd tell the kids where we were going, to remember to say "Yes Mam" or "No Mam" when asked something, to be quiet during prayer time, to be generous and let other kids play with toys, and so on. Set them up for success by reminding them just before an event of your expectations.
Titles of Respect for Adults (No First Names) | Never, EVER, let them call an adult merely by their first name. If an adult insists, you tell them (in front of your kids is fine) that's not how you are parenting them. Don't allow others to change your parenting. This is more obvious for family (Aunt Jennifer or Grandpa), but will show much fruit for everyday interaction. A member of our church will be called "Miss Gail" or "Mr. Ryan."
Use Timers | This may be what you use as a parent or what the kids are taught to use on their own depending on age. There is no "Go watch TV" for an undetermined amount of time. You get 30 minutes (or whatever).
Sharing Is Not Requested, It's Essential | My kids would always share. That was the rule. If another kid is throwing a fit, you give it up. You take the hit. You make the peace. This wasn't about bullying, but about making it easy for the adults teaching Sunday School, babysitting, whatever.
Boys Treat Girls Differently Than Boys | Boys are to be tough and rough and playful with boys. Treat girls with a kind of respect. Hard to describe this one, but talk to your boys about how to treat girls with honor.
Play Rough & Teach Kids To Get Over It | This one has done wonders for us. I played rough with the kids. Not hurtful or harmful, but lots of wrestling, throwing kids on beds playfully, etc. I still do it, even now that they are big enough to play rough back! When you do this and then someone at church or school is a little rough with your kids they won't whine, cry, tattle. They won't act hurt for attention. Teach them to handle rough play.
ALSO, my kids were taught that they were never as hurt as they thought they were. It was almost always true. "Get up." "You're fine." "Be tough." Many parents gasp and run to their kid on the ground who really isn't hurt all that bad but loves attention. My kids were taught to get up and keep going. Elijah got hit by a very fast pitch and it hurt him bad, but he tossed his bat aside and ran to first base. Later he told me how bad it hurt, but he had learned to be tough and get over it.
Kids Sit With You In Church | Some will disagree, but we taught our kids to sit with us in church from birth onward. Some will think it impossible. It isn't. We saw others do it and we did it. They were minimal distractions at their worst and often no distraction at all. I could give you a lot of tips on this, but the main one is to demand *first time obedience*, which means disobedience draws consequences. That's also why you prepare them on the car ride before church of how they will sit quietly, etc.
Ask Your Kids To Forgive You | You will fail. Often. Tell your kids that you do, when you do, and ask their forgiveness. We've asked our kids several times to forgive us for not requiring *first time obedience* (when we've grown slack), for example.
Kiss Your Spouse In Front Of Them | It blesses your kids beyond measure to know their parents love each other and want to show it. Comforting. Brings a confidence in your marriage when many of their friends' parents are getting divorced.
Talking Back To Mom Is Talking Back To My Wife | I tell my kids that if/when they talk back to Mom, they are talking back to my wife (not merely their Mom). She was my wife before she became their Mom, and that means something.
Hugs & Kisses To Friends | Teach your kids to be affectionate with others. Just this Sunday I told my youngest two to give Miss Deb a hug before we left church. No questions, they did. We don't just hug Mom and Dad, but a lot of people.
Disagree In Front Of Your Kids | You will have to ask their forgiveness when you do it sinfully, and there are times to separate & talk when we are struggling as a couple, but it teaches your kids that no disagreement will separate us from each other. It prepares them to get married one day and see what a marriage really looks like. Messy.
Keep/Give Away | Our kids have been taught to regularly do a keep/give away day. They go through all their toys and decide what to keep and what to give away. It de-clutters things as well as teaches them how to move on, how to be generous, how to not hoard, etc.
Teach Your Kids To Sing | Music has always filled our house, and we aren't musicians or singers by any artistic standard. But singing is a part of worship and so we make it a part of life. Doesn't mean it's always worship music. Hardly. But we are singing. It's common to be working in my home office and have a child start belting out a song at the top of their lungs upstairs. It teaches them to be loud in public worship singing too.
Teach Your Kids God Loves Them More Than You | It doesn't mean I love them less than I should, but that God's love is beyond comparison.
Get In The Pool | Play with your kids. Don't just watch them play. They want it! While on vacation last summer I got in the pool and would throw a ball as the kids would leap into the pool while trying to catch the ball. Kinda like a dog. :) Another family we met there saw us doing that and became our best friends while there. Every day the kids played with us as if I was their Dad. Their kids wanted to play. Their Dad eventually decided to stop reading and join us in the pool. His kids kept nagging him until he did! Playing teaches your kids they are important to you. It's fun. It has helped us to befriend others and bless families who don't have Dads and Moms in the pool.
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I cut out some as this is already too long. Hope it helps. Would love your interaction on my advice and to hear some of your own.
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Groundhog Day was filmed almost completely in Woodstock, Illinois, where I live. Here are a few fun movie facts as they merge with my life.
1. The Starbucks I frequent is right next to "The Pennsylvanian Hotel." In real life the hotel is the Opera House in which my kids have been in summer plays, I've seen Alejandro Escovedo play, I've heard Billy Collins read poetry, etc.
2. I've taken photographs from the tower at the top of the hotel (Opera House) Bill Murray jumps from in one of his moments of despair.
3. When our church used to meet outside of our church building a few years ago, we met in a ballroom in the building along the alley where Bill Murray tries to revive the "old man." It's right across from the "Alpine Theater" which is really the Woodstock Theater.
4. "Gobbler's Knob," where the prognostication happens, is the place on the Woodstock Square where my boys and I usually play "hot box" or "pickle" between two trees.
5. The Bed & Breakfast Bill Murray stayed in is a real Bed & Breakfast in Woodstock. Or at least it has been. I think they had some issues in the last few years.
6. I've stood where Bill Murray stood as he stepped in the puddle. You can too. There's a plaque. There are actually many plaques around Woodstock at all the main sites.
7. The restaurant & bar where Bill & Andie McDowell drink to world peace is now closed, though it was open when we moved here. You could (and we did) actually eat in a jail cell, as it's part of the Old Courthouse in Woodstock.
8. Molly & I have danced where Bill Murray and Andie McDowell danced. It's a Moose Lodge. Our dancing was way cooler.
9. The "Tip Top Cafe" has been many things since the movie. It's now a Mexican restaurant. A few years ago it was a family favorite place to go for gelato.
10. Woodstock has a yearly Groundhog Day event with our own groundhog, Woodstock Willie. He said winter is ending soon and announced it at 7:07am today.
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Sometimes my kids think I don't understand their generation. Um, wrong.
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This is outstanding on "Longing for Wholeness." It's spot on for what my family is experiencing at the moment, and has been experiencing the last few years. Mark Talbot is apparently writing a book on profound suffering titled When the Stars Disappear. I look forward to buying that book, that has been his labor for years now, in light of this excellent teaching from Talbot at the Desiring God's Works of God Conference. Please watch or go listen to/download the audio. (via JT)
Longing for Wholeness: Chronic Suffering and Christian Hope from Desiring God on Vimeo.
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How To Create A Disciple-Making Culture In Your Church | Justin Buzzard
Six months ago, when our church plant was eight months old, I realized I had made a big mistake in church planting. I kept talking about discipleship and I was coaching others in how to make disciples, but I hadn’t done enough face-to-face modeling of what I meant when I told our church to make disciples. Thus, our church didn’t yet have the discipleship culture I wanted it to have.
So, I confessed my mistake and then prayerfully selected twelve men to disciple for six months in order to inject a strong disciple-making culture into our church. I created a discipleship process and then spent the last six months investing in these twelve men. It wasn’t perfect, but it was my best. I gave these men my heart, my best training, my time, my love, my prayers, my energy, etc.
12 Social Media Tips for Church Leaders
I'd like to tweak a few of Steve Fogg's points, but a lot of good stuff to think about as we engage in social media.
When Biography Shapes Theology | Greg Thornbury
This is at the very heart of faith, to marvel at that great cloud of witnesses who "were stoned, sawn in two, and killed with the sword...who went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated...of whom the world was not worthy, wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth" (Heb. 11:37-38).
Grace Filled Parenting | 3 Videos with Jeff Vanderstelt
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Sixteen years ago today Bob Dole was trying to defeat Bill Clinton and become President of the United States. He failed. And I didn't vote. Why?
Sixteen years ago today my wife succeeded in giving birth to our firstborn, a sweet little girl. We named her Sarah Elizabeth McCoy. We were living in Lakewood, Colorado, a western suburb of Denver, right along the foothills. When Molly went into labor on the night of November 4th, we knew it would be a long night. She went through more than a half a day of labor before our little Sarah was born.
That little doll of a daughter is now sixteen, getting her driver's license, stressing over grades, making works of art, and bringing her parents great joy. We are very proud of her. She is a great gift from God.
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UPDATE 10.30.12: Use coupon code PASTORS and get the hardback book for $4.60 (80% off!).
I watched this video today (below) for Paul David Tripp's new book, Dangerous Calling. I immediately went searching for my wife so she could watch it with me. By the end she was tearing up a bit and then we had a 30 minute conversation about the last 8 1/2 years of pastoral ministry and the struggles and pain we've experienced in our family & relationships. It was very difficult to be this honest, but it was very fruitful.
I'm buying Dangerous Calling right now, as well as the conference DVD's (10 - 25 minutes sessions | grab the free leader's guide and discussion guide). WTS bookstore has great deals for the next 6 days: hardcover $12 (48% off, or 5 for $10 a piece) and conference DVD's $15 (62% off). Kindle is out on October 31st.
Dangerous Calling from Crossway on Vimeo.
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One of the reasons to develop intermediate catechisms like New City Catechism is to fill a gap between children’s catechisms and the longer and more extensive older ones. New City Catechism is short—52 questions and answers, one for every week of the year. It is based on Calvin’s Geneva, and the Westminster Catechisms, and perhaps most of all on the Heidelberg. As such it gives people a strong dose of each, introducing them to the practice of catechesis, and developing in them an appetite and capacity for going deeper. It can therefore be used by church leaders as a bridge toward teaching members the older and more extensive catechisms of their respective denominations.
Read Dr. Keller's post "Why Write New Catechisms" as well as his previous post "Why Catechesis Now?" I'd also love to hear from those who have started using New City Catechism. What do you think about it?
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Miss my Mom!
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Paul Tripp writes on the 29 things that shape a pastor's ministry. Here are a few that hit me, in the form of questions...
1. What does he really love?
2. What does he despise?
3. What are his hopes, dreams, and fears?
4. Is he committed to his own sanctification?
5. What are the anxieties that have the potential to derail or paralyze him?
11. Does he see pastoral ministry as a community project?
14. What character qualities would his wife and children use to describe him?
17. How robust, consistent, joyful, and vibrant is his devotional life?
19. Does he hold himself to high standards, or is he willing to give way to mediocrity?
25. Is the public pastor a different person from the private husband and dad?
29. How successful has he been in pastoring the congregation that is his family?You see, it is absolutely vital to remember this: A pastor’s ministry is never just shaped by his knowledge, experience, and skill. It is always also shaped by the true condition of his heart. In fact, if his heart is not in the right place, all of the knowledge and skill can actually function to make him dangerous.
Go read all of Paul Tripp's 29 excellent questions. Be challenged by them, and changed by them.
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My daughter Sarah (15) makes some wicked-cool art. This is in process.
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Trying to capture a memorable moment during a sporting event isn't easy. You never know when it's coming. You make guesses and take lots of pictures that are just ok at best. I think I got a good one with Elijah running in a cross country meet. You can also check out the rest of my photography.
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Dating my wife has taken a more creative turn over the last few years, after my wife had two brain surgeries, after she started wanting to sleep before the sun goes down (which she didn't struggle with before Chiari). We've had to be creative, and we haven't kept at it as we used to. It's not easy. Kids getting older, life keeps getting busier. But we realize how important it is to keep dating.
With that in mind, I'm glad to have Date Your Wife by Justin Buzzard to keep me focused on my beautiful bride. I want to encourage everyone to grab yourself a copy!
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Two photos: First, Sarah fishing while on vacation in Branson, Missouri. We were surrounded by storms. Second, Sarah can't just let our first day of school photo be normal. She's a treat!
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2012 - Danny (9 - 4th) | Elijah (11 - 6th, 1st year of middle school) | Jack (13 - 8th, last year of middle school) | Sarah (15 - Sophomore)
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
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Jack & I took in The Amazing Spider Man midnight show this week. Go geek or don't go...
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Here's the latest on Molly, with a bit of an overall recap because I keep getting questions that I have only answered in some places. Here's where she (and we) arel. I have been cautious about posting some of this because when improvements come, sometimes they go away again. But things, at least at this point, are looking up in all areas.
MOLLY'S CHIARI SYMPTOMS
Molly's Chiari symptoms have included brain fog (significant difficulty thinking about most anything), balance, muscle fatigue, being easily overwhelmed, and more. I can say today that all these symptoms have been slowly going away for a couple of weeks now and mostly gone! She is back at work at our local elementary school. It's still more difficult than before all this, but she can do it now. Because the symptoms are going away, she's also able to be more involved with our church. Just a couple of weeks ago the slightest bit of loudness or being in a conversation with friends could easily overwhelm her. She would walk out during songs because it messed her up. And then it would devastate her ability to do anything for the rest of a day. Now those moments aren't happening nearly as fast or often, during gathered worship or elsewhere. I'm still protecting her quite a bit until I'm confident she's stable in her health, but things are improving significantly and she is able to do a lot more. God is so good.
MOLLY'S SLEEP
Molly's biggest problem at this point is sleep. Bad sleep = worse symptoms all around. But praise God her sleep is improving too!
Until a couple of weeks ago, she only had a slightly better night's sleep here and there, but nothing to write about. And when I say "slightly," I mean she slept maybe a couple of hours a night, and even that was intermittent. Now she's about 5 days in to an improving sleep schedule. A few days ago she mentioned that she was sound asleep when the alarm clock woke her. That was the first time that happened in months. Typically she was not falling asleep, not staying asleep, and wide awake long before time to wake up (which was 5am!). Now, all elements of sleep are getting better. But this is the area of greatest concern at the moment and we are guarding her sleep schedule.
Just to be clear on a couple of things...
Thanks for all your prayers. Pray her health and sleep continue to improve!
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Update 4.13: Molly slept terrible last night. Terrible. She is exhausted. She saw her neurologist today. He is trying to manage her sleep, or lack thereof, and we have no idea whether it will work. Nothing has helped so far. We should know in a couple days. I'm not sure I've seen her this frustrated over her health since 2008. Thanks for continued prayers.
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Brief update (4.12): Molly had about 5 better days in a row after some significant time off of her part-time job at the school and a lot of rest. Still not great, but better. More functional in daily life. Some of her brain fog issues have gone away for the most part, though she has remained easily exhausted.
The last two days things have turned worse again. She's barely sleeping, and we can't figure out why. We assume it's making symptoms much worse. It's been linked to times of increased symptoms in the past. I'm taking her to her neurologist tomorrow morning in the hope he'll take this another step and figure out what, if anything, can be done.
We are hoping for answers soon. We are praying for God's help and healing, and for her to continue to place all of her hope in Christ when circumstances at times feel hopeless.
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MRIs
Molly's neurosurgeon has now seen her new battery of MRIs. He says from a surgical perspective, there isn't anything wrong. Spinal fluid flow is excellent. Decompression (space created for flow from first surgery) is still good. They thought a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) might help if there is increased pressure from too much fluid, but she's had that looked at twice in the past and it's never been an issue.
They don't really have any suggestions otherwise. It's basically out of their hands. And that means we don't have reason to believe surgery of any sort is even a thought, at this point.
So for the moment we are keeping with the strategy Molly's neurologist has in place to relieve some of the intense & overwhelming reactions Molly is having to everyday things through some medication. So far they seem to be helping. It may just be that life is a bit more intense for her, and we just deal with the symptoms. It may be that over time the symptoms will subside, and we are certainly hoping that will happen.
MOLLY
As I said, Molly is having some positive reaction to some medicine she recently started. I can say that clearly the last three days have been significantly better than the last 30-40 days. She has more energy, though it's still not anywhere near normal. Yesterday we went shopping at Wal-Mart to see how she would react. She was better than weeks ago, but after coming hope fell asleep on the couch.
Today, Molly went to work. So far she is a little overwhelmed, but seems to be dealing with it ok the last I heard. She is going to call in a bit during her lunchtime to let me know how she's doing.
We are encouraged by the last few days, but still very concerned and guarding her time until we see if this is a genuine turn toward the better.
OTHER
Our church and community has been so generous. We've eaten well as many meals have been provided for us. Bags and bags of groceries have been bought and brought to us. Steaks for the grill are marinading in the fridge as I type. We are blessed and thankful for the many local friends who have helped so much.
We are overwhelmed with the many who have prayed, called, written notes and emails, given gift cards, and blessed both locally and from afar. We love all of you and you have made this difficult time more bearable. We don't know if we may be seeing a light at the end of this tunnel for Molly's struggles or if things could turn worse again. But we know you all have our back, and we are very, very thankful.
Last word for now: We have seen our kids learn to pray and trust God better during this time. God has been good to us and is teaching us a lot. I want to talk more about that, but I'm not ready to yet. And we are confident that He will continue to bless Molly and our family far beyond our expectations. To God be all the glory.
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Many of you know we have an autistic son. Today is World Autism Awareness day where you are encouraged to "Light It Up Blue." When he was diagnosed 1 in 250 people were diagnosed with autism. Today it's 1 in 88. Remarkable and awful. Take notice.
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As we continue to wait for some news of Molly's MRIs from her neurosurgeon, we decided it would be good today to have her see her local physician. She got to see Molly's symptoms in full bloom. Really bad. Lots of tension, emotion, frustration. But those things helped her doctor to see all that's wrong and the need to do more.
Molly had a blood test to check a number of things. Her neurosurgeon thinks it's possible there are other issues that are making her symptoms worse. It's at least worth a try.
Molly now has a neurologist appointment tomorrow at 11:20am. We are hoping that will offer some answers, or at least get some fresh eyes on her problems and see what comes of it.
Just trying to keep everyone in the loop. Thanks for your prayers! Many local friends have been generous and supportive. Very thankful for that.
Side Note: Notice in the picture how Molly is gripping her knees tightly with her hands. She didn't know I was taking this, but she is continually experiencing that kind of physical tension and mostly can't help it. Thought it might be helpful for you to see something like that, which I didn't notice until after I took the picture. Also note, the room was decorated in Cubs paraphernalia, which means she's doomed to at least 100 years of frustration. :)
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MEDICAL
Molly had her MRIs done on Friday at the University of Wisconsin Hospital. They went relatively quickly, but it was a long day. Saturday we mailed the CD of the imaging to Dr. Frim at the University of Chicago Hospital. Hoping to hear from him today or tomorrow. I'll update when we know something.
MOLLY
As best as we can remember, the last 10 days have been the worst stretch of the worst symptoms ever for Molly, including the weeks leading up to her previous surgeries. Mentally for her this has been really difficult. She almost never finishes a sentence or thought without significant pauses to gather her thoughts. About half the time she just gives up trying to say it.
She has very little balance. Extreme fatigue and weakness. She was so bad on Monday that when she got to work (part-time at local elementary school) a couple of friends in the school office saw how bad she was doing and had to drive her home. She's probably done driving unless things improve. She pretty much never walks anywhere unless she has something to help keep her balance. She's almost fallen a couple of times.
As a whole, life itself is very overwhelming for her. Just leaving the house and being around anything that isn't very familiar causes her great mental stress and leads to physical tension. Her whole body will tense up very tight and see has difficulty stopping it. It's an internal reaction to things she can't control.
With a couple of days off of work and staying home more, she's at least feeling a little less tension. The symptoms are still there, and she's very emotional. But we hope a rest might help.
ME
I'll be honest. I feel very frustrated. It's tough looking at my beautiful wife and see so much pain and frustration and sadness in her eyes. It's tough seeing her struggle to say even a simple thought. It was painful last week to see her near meltdown in a grocery store. I had to spend several hours last week dealing with doctors & insurance & hospitals on the phone and email because the hospital required something unnecessary from our insurance company. It was a total mess. In the end we got it straightened out. And I'm sure it was a simple mistake. But it made my week miserable.
GOD
We can't help but wonder about these difficulties and what God is doing. The things we are working on most in our church are the things we are finding most complicated now with Molly's needs and struggles. Spending time with others, even those we know the best at Doxa, is great strain and increases her tension, quickly leading to exhaustion and other symptoms. The spiritual warfare aspect of this seems clear. It's changing the way I'm praying.
We continue to talk and pray together about the goodness of God, His ability to heal and our request that He would heal Molly, and His power made perfect in weakness and the possibility of the weakness remaining rather than being taken away.
If you would, say a prayer for Molly and our family.
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UPDATE 3/7 at 4:20pm: Molly's MRI has been scheduled for 2:30pm on Friday, March 16th at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison. Last time it took just over 3 hours (if I remember correctly).
__________
It's been a long time (over a year) since my last post on my wife's 4 1/2 year struggle with Chiari I Malformation. Find out about her diagnosis, symptoms, surgeries, and more in my series of posts: Molly & Chiari. Here's a brief, but important, update.
Molly's symptoms are returning in a significant way. This has happened before, as you can note from previous posts. A few times they have subsided. But they don't always, which is why she's had brain surgery twice. We live with the understanding that at any point something can happen that causes her spinal fluid flow to decrease and that would result in another surgery. Her stent could dislodge or clog. Scar tissue could form around it. Or maybe something else we don't anticipate.
Currently her symptoms are headaches (significant ones, some have led to vomiting), numbness in hands/feet, difficulty thinking or "brain fog," balance problems, continuous physical fatigue and weakness, nausea, waking without feeling rested, etc. She is easily overwhelmed. A trip to the store with all the colors and sounds and busyness can be difficult for her to endure. At times she has to find a quiet place and just stop because of the sensory overload.
This time around the symptoms have started and have kept increasing over a longer period of time. That may not mean anything significant and she may eventually recover. But it's bad enough right now that her neurosurgeon, Dr. Frim, wants another set of MRIs done. I've been emailed the MRI order just a few minutes ago and we will be working today to schedule an appointment as soon as possible at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. After reviewing those images, Dr. Frim will be able to see if something is wrong and if we need to make an appointment with him.
We'd appreciate your prayers for healing and strength for Molly. For comfort. For peace in times of great frustration. For a deep trust in the goodness of God. For me as I need to serve her well, help with the house and kids, help her shop, etc.
Thanks as always to the many friends (and many others we've never met!) who have been prayer warriors on Molly's behalf. To God be the glory.
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I'm working on choosing (or tweaking) a Bible reading plan for my family for 2012 so the kids can each work through some of their ESV Student Study Bibles, and so we can enjoy daily family discussions on what we are all reading at the same time. Thought it might be nice to list a couple of resources I'm looking at for the Bible as well as other good theological and devotional resources.
Justin Taylor has a wonderful (fairly comprephensive) post on many reading plans out there, including options you may not think of on your own. He also has a post that includes a reading plan for Calvin's Institutes.
Joe Thorn's reading plan for the Puritan prayers found in Valley of Vision might be a great way to start the year devotionally.
The ESV has a number of plans available, and the ESV Journaling Bible I now use daily has a plan in the back I'm considering.
David Murray, who has quickly become one of my favorite thinkers through his blog and Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary podcast, has a yearly children's morning and evening Bible reading plan. The explanation is here, and the plan is here.
Please feel free to share other plans you recommend or the plan you are using next year.
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We're bacon Christmas cookies. What are you bacon?
See previous years of McCoy family Christmas photos.
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5 Ways Wives Can Encourage Their Husbands | Jared Wilson
When you nitpick and nag, you give mouthpiece to the accuser who wants your husband to know not only does he not have what it takes, he is worthless because of it. So find ways to constructively criticize and help him repent, but more than that, tell him what you like about him, how you find him attractive or admirable, how you respect him or are impressed by him. Outdo him in showing honor (Rom. 12:10).
Coming Together On Culture, Part 1: Theological Issues | Tim Keller
On the surface, the Reformed and evangelical world seems divided between "Cultural Transformationists" and the "Two Kingdoms" views of these things. Transformationists fall into fairly different camps, including the neo-Calvinists who follow Abraham Kuyper, the Christian Right, and the theonomists. Though different in significant ways, they all believe Christians should be about redeeming and changing the culture along Christian lines.
Pencil Does Not Fade | Joe Thorn
A cursory search on the internet shows most people stating as fact, “Writing in pencil will fade over time.” Rather than trust the opinion of some random dude on Yahoo Answers who hasn’t even read an article on the subject, I thought I would ask some people who could give me better direction. So I contacted the National Archives. They were happy to answer my questions quickly and provide helpful references. After a few email exchanges with people who spend their time in historic documents, here is the bottom line for those wondering if writing in pencil will fade.
Graphite pencil is a very stable material. It does not fade in light. It does not bleed in water unless other dyes were added.
Mark Dever - Reading Sibbes Aloud | After purchasing the 7 vol Works of Richard Sibbes I was reminded that Mark Dever, who literally wrote the book on Sibbes, has read aloud a number of Sibbes sermons. A nice idea, and worth checking out.
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Here are the last 4 years in Christmas card photos we have sent out. I'll post our 2011 Christmas card photo when the time comes.
2010
2009
2008
2007
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Karen Swallow Prior interviews Tim Keller on his new book, The Meaning of Marriage. A blurb...
What does your book contributes to the conversation about marriage that other books have not?
It's not simply a how-to manual. Many Christian marriage books are "here's how to work on your problems." On the other hand, the book is not just theological on "here's the biblical view of marriage." The most recent and the best-selling Christian books on marriage from the last few years were either theological, polemical, or absolutely practical. This is a combination of those. Most books I know on the subject recently have not been written by pastors; they've been written by counselors or theologians or people like that. This book was originally a series of sermons. When you preach, the sermon usually goes from the theological to the more polemical and into the practical.
Read the entire interview.
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Here's my best shot at creating one post with links to everything from Together for Adoption featured bloggers. Not every blogger wrote on everything or was present for every main session. I expect more posts are still coming with reflections on T4A in the days to come. I know I have some unfinished posts on some talks and a handful of other reflections to share. If you see things I've missed, let me know. FYI: I know other bloggers/twitterers said a lot at T4A, but I'm focusing on the "featured bloggers." If you want to put a link to other helpful posts in the comments from non-featured bloggers, that would be a great addition to the list.
Check out tweets still coming out from #t4aCon attenders and others RTing good quotes. Also go back in the Twitter accounts (listed below) for a ton of great quotes. That may be the best way to get direct quotes, while the posts often contain interaction on the quotes and topics.
BLOGGERS - Name [link to Twitter account] (abbreviation)
MAIN SESSIONS
Darrin Patrick | Session 1 - The Church & Social Justice
Tullian Tchividjian | Session 2 - Surprised by Adoption
Dan Cruver | Session 3 - Adoption & The God Who Cares
Bryan Loritts | Session 4 - The Church as the Theater of Transracial Adoption
Jeff Vanderstelt | Session 5 - Gospel-Motivation for Missional Living
Tim Chester | Session 6 - Relaxing in Trinitarian Love
PRE-CONFERENCE & BREAKOUTS
MISC & POST-CONFERENCE
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Darrin Patrick: The Church and Social JusticeTullian Tchividjian: Surprised by AdoptionDan Cruver: Adoption and the God Who GivesBryan Loritts: The Church as the Theater of Transracial AdoptionJeff Vanderstelt: Gospel-Motivation for Missional LivingTim Chester: Relaxing in Trinitarian Love
GIVEAWAY
1. "LIKE" the T4A Facebook page.2. TWEET (and/or post on Facebook wall), without the quote marks: " Win a FREE copy of Reclaiming Adoption! RT this & comment at Reformissionary to win: http://bit.ly/nW95S8 #t4aCon "3. COMMENT BELOW (so I can verify you did steps 1 & 2). Include your full name and real email address (kept private) so I can contact the winners.
For fun, and since the World Series begins tonight, share your World Series winner in your comment. Texas Rangers or the St. Louis Cardinals? Also feel free to give your predictions on how many games it will take to win (sports SINthusiast Joe Thorn, just tell us your favorite color). I'm calling it for the Rangers in 5.
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Sarah and I were walking out of Java Planet yesterday just after a storm passed and I asked her to do that one superhero thing she does. If she aims it at you, you die. Beware. Actually, just after I took this a double rainbow showed up and I didn't take a picture. I was too busy wondering what it meant. See more of my photography.
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My daughter at her locker down a hallway at Woodstock North High School. Taken with my HTC EVO & post-processed with Picnik. See all of my photography, including the 10 most liked photos in my stream.
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2011 - Danny (8 - 3rd) | Elijah (10 - 5th) | Jack (12 - 7th) | Sarah (14 - Freshman)
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
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Cubs. First, the undefeated champion Woodstock Little League Cubs. (more here) Elijah (10) on the right with teammate Nate. Second, me, Danny (right) and Elijah after our championship game victory. (First two pics taken by my daughter, Sarah) Third, my two boys first trip to Wrigley for a Chicago Cubs game on June 16th. (more here)
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When I take trips, Molly always hides little notes to me in various pieces of clothing in my suitcase. It puts a smile on my face when I'm away from my family. Most notes are what you would expect. "We miss you!" "Hope you are enjoying the conference!" "We Love you!" But for the Gospel Coalition Molly gave me a note I'll never forget, securely taped to the shorts I sleep in...
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At The Gospel Coalition this week I was able to talk with David and Nancy Guthrie. Nancy Guthrie is the author of many books, including Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus and Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross.
Nancy and David told me about Respite, a ministry to parents who have suffered the death of a child. I want to encourage those who have lost a child or have friends who have suffered in this way to check it out. Pastors, this could be a very valuable resource to keep in mind.
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I'm learning & growing to be the pastor of my family I've been called to be, and I'm enjoying leading them better in family worship and Bible reading. The recent Desiring God Pastor's Conference message by Joel Beeke on family worship was convicting and encouraging. You should check it out.
Right now we have five main resouces for family worship &/or Bible reading (singing resources aren't listed). For the most part our kids read Scripture in the morning and we use the other resouces at night. Let me know what resources you have found helpful in the comments below.
1. The Bible | Each of our kids has their own ESV Bible (compact Bible for my boys, my daughter has a prettier one). They are reading James every day in the mornings, sometimes on their own and sometimes with me and/or Molly.
2. ESV Study Bible | Same text with notes that help the family when we need a few interpretive helps on a passage. We have a copy permanently stationed in our living room for the kids to open if they need to check notes on their own. They don't do this much yet, but will get the hang of it.
3. The Story of God for Kids | Created by the good folks at Soma Communities in Tacoma, Washington. My family LOVES this. Well written and helpful notes for using it well, good questions to help it sink in. I have been reading it off my Kindle to them. Last night Elijah was peppering me with questions as he is piecing together the larger "Story of God" from the lessons blending together. Wonderful resource. Check out their other resources for adults and small groups.
4. Operation World: A Prayer Guide to the Nations | Eye-opening for our kids as they learn about the world and the needs of the world from a missionary perspective. They love to thumb through the pages and learn about a new country. We are putting little biographies of missionaries in their hands and they want to learn about those countries today. We want to teach them to pray BIG prayers to our BIG God for our BIG world. UPDATE: Commenter reminded me of Window on the World, an Operation World of sorts for younger kids. We have that and the kids like it a lot.
5. Four Holy Gospels | Just got this in the mail yesterday. It's the most beautiful Bible I've ever seen, with artwork by NYC artist Makoto Fujimura. Our family was able to meet Mako and attend the Crossway Books release event for the project. We now plan on using the Bible at least once a week (Sundays) to take turns reading aloud from a Gospel together before we leave the house to gather with our local church. It's nice to add a substantial piece like this into our family worship & Bible reading that will last through the years as a family treasure.
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I was invited to Crossway Books in Wheaton for the release of the Four Holy Gospels project featuring the ESV version of the four Gospels in a giant book format illuminated through the artwork of Makoto Fujimura.
The whole family got to attend and I really enjoyed it. Upon arrival the crowd was abuzz, the sugar water was flowing, appetizers were being served, and within a few minutes my wife and four kids found and "cornered" Mako. I was busy talking with Collin Hansen who introduced me to Stan Guthrie, an editor at large at Christianity Today. Then I noticed Molly talking to Mako and looking for me. That's a good woman. So I ditched Collin and Stan, who (I think) understood my abrupt departure, and went to talk to Mako.
He was kind and humble. We talked about his church, Redeemer in NYC, and his time at Resurrection Presbyterian during their time as a plant. I mentioned how much I have enjoyed his book, Refractions, which really is a great book on faith, art, and culture. So glad I got a chance to interact with one of my favorite artists of any stripe. Then the presentation got formal as Mako and others spoke.
The Four Holy Gospels really is beautiful. I'd love a copy, but can't afford one just now. It's $130 (cloth) through Crossway (or $350 leather, wow), but you can get cloth on Amazon for $73.40. I can imagine sitting down with my family every night and reading through the Gospels illuminated by this great artwork.
Crossway's post after the event explains the art...
The Four Holy Gospels incorporates five large-scale paintings, including the frontispiece, “Charis-Kairos (The Tears of Christ)” and four opening plates (one for each of the Gospels); plus eighty-nine initial letters (each painted, and many adorned with gold flecks and foil) specifically created for each chapter opening; as well as more than seventy individually-painted reflections and embellishments complementing the Gospels.
I do hope many will take advantage of the opportunity to own this unique piece of art. I'm grateful to Crossway for the invite, and grateful for the chance to look through this beautiful book and meet Makoto Fujimura. Visit Mako's website, read some of his writings, and follow him on Twitter @iamfujimura.
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I'm reading Joe Thorn's new book, Note To Self, right now. Go pre-order it. I'm really liking it. Helpful for my soul.
Ryan Adams & The Cardinals: III/IV is $3.99 today. (21 tracks)
My family is headed tonight to the Crossway Books premier book reception and art exhibition for the publication of the FOUR HOLY GOSPELS (leather or cloth), featuring paintings by the renowned artist Makoto Fujimura. Check out some of it. More in a mini-documentary...
Before visiting the exhibition we are eating at the new Wheaton Chick fil-A and perusing books at Richard Owen Roberts Booksellers. We are leaving early as I'm going to try to meet with Mr. Roberts for a bit. He is a well-known speaker, writer, and editor specifically on the issue of revival, which is what I'm preaching on. He was also interim pastor of the church I currently pastor and I have received good advice during sit-downs with him before. So I'm going to look for books on revival and speak to an expert on the subject. It's going to be a great night!
Oh, and if you haven't seen my post on John MacArthur's uncharitable response to Darrin Patrick's excellent book, Church Planter, you should go check it out.
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Christmas was more trinkety this year than normal. The "Happy Birthday Jesus" coin was a gift to our kids during the United Methodist Christmas Eve service. The "Sacred Heart" purple glitter Jesus bank was a gift from my daughter because, you know, she thought it would be awesome for me to have. It is. Now, if only we had kept a coin to put in my Jesus bank.
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It's taken a bit but we've finally found out about Molly's MRI. Here's an update on Molly & Chiari.
A. MRI read by her surgeon and it looks great. No problems. Thanks be to God that means not even a hint of need for or thought of surgery.
B. Molly's symptoms have progressively, though slowly, begun to normalize. Her physical symptoms were so bad at one point she had to break out her cane again. You probably wouldn't even notice anything if you saw her today. Mostly normal. Mentally there are still some issues. Brain fog, a bit of forgetfulness, lacking some focus at times. But those are better than before too.
C. Now, we are just hoping the symptoms stay away. We've asked the doctor about other things that may have triggered symptoms. A knock to the head or whiplash or falling or any number of smaller things can bring on symptoms. We believe what probably triggered Molly's are times of intense (even if brief) stress. Even getting startled can do it. I now try to make some noise when I enter a room where she is, because she can be easily startled and that can mess things up.
So yeah, I pretty much have lost all the fun of sneaking up behind Molly and having her scream in fear. That's no fun! :)
Thanks so much for your prayers. In many ways they have been answered. To God be the glory.
Steve for Molly & the family
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Danny in a waiting room while Molly was getting an MRI. It was on the 2nd floor overlooking a bunch of people working out at a sports medicine facility & gym. | My photography.
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Why is this for my wife? Because it's about a love relationship in which both poetic beauty and humor are abundant. I love you, Molly. Learn more about Billy Collins.
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Here are a few things in the works...
1. Ads: You can see that I'm gearing up for some advertising on the right sidebar. I've thought about it for a long time & had some advertisers express some interest. I'm going to give it a go. It would be financially helpful for my family during tight times. If you are interested, click on an "Advertise Here" link.
2. Links: I also want to add that whenever you see a link of mine to a book or music on Amazon with the Reformissiona-20 tag on it, that means I get a small cut for recommending it. It adds nothing to your cost. It's the same as if you went straight to Amazon. Essentially by buying products with my link you get same good price and help supply my book budget. I have no other book budget than this. Thanks for supporting it. And I work very hard not to just point you to anything in the hope of making some cash. I skip over recommending many deals that I don't personally want to recommended.
3. Reviews: I have reviews coming on Tim Keller's new book, Generous Justice, and Jim Elliff's reworking of Pursuing God. Both are great. Hope to get to both very soon.
4. Writing Projects: I have several blog articles in the works that have been fermenting for a while and that I'm excited about. I want to get a regular schedule for posting articles in the next couple of weeks. Look for that. I'm saying it publicly so I feel guilty if I don't get it started. :)
5. Phriday is for Photos: I haven't been very active in photography lately, but I'm also planning on getting it kicking again.
6. Molly: I know it doesn't seem like a very cool "coming attraction," but expect more soon about my wife's battle with Chiari I Malformation. The blog has helped her to connect and minister to many women who are suffering the same things and scared.
7. Tim Keller Resources: It's been a while since I seriously worked on my TK Resource page. Without doing anything a few things there look broken. I hope to get it back in shape for your resourcing pleasure.
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STEVE McCOY
